Amyelia

As if I didn’t already have enough things to worry about, today my car finally carked it. It’s dead. Kaput. It’s not a battery-related problem because the lights, radio and other accessories work fine, but my car will not start. My brother says it’s a problem with the engine. He also said that, somehow, the engine has been flooded with oil. I don’t know how that happened but, then again, I don’t know anything about the internal going-ons of a car. So now I am left with a dilemma. My car is my lifeblood – it gets me to school, it lets me run my errands and, the obvious, it lets me have a life. I rely on it way too much for this to be happening. I emailed my dad about it, so I’m just waiting to see what he says. He’ll probably be mad. But I seriously don’t know what I could have done for this to happen! It’s probably karma for bumping into that car…and people wonder why I hate my life. I’m continually going through things that justify the feeling! I certainly have no money to fix the problem on my own…God, and this couldn’t have happened at a worse time. I only have one week of school left, but I have to attend everyday due to all the assessments my teachers have left to the last minute. I must also go to school the week after next to enrol. Why? Why? WHY?! I need to go to the clinic to get a medical certificate for being absent from school today. I seriously just want to dig a deep deep hole in the ground and bury myself in it.

-Amyelia

It looks like Melbourne’s winter this year is going to be quite the freeze. For the past two or three days it’s been raining. But that’s not the worst part. The biggest issue is that all that extra moisture is freezing up overnight due to the ever-plummeting temperature, leaving a layer of icy whiteness in the morning. I had trouble opening the door to my car this morning – it was sealed with a thick layer of frost. The vision through my windscreen is also a bit of an issue. This morning the rather foolish owner of a black car had parked right in front of my drive way. I live in a court or close which has a pretty narrow roadway. Now, with the lack of visibility due to the early morning darkness, and the layer of ice across my back window, I managed to back up a little too far and bumped into that unfortunate car. Luckily for me, and the driver I suppose, there was no damage done. My car is far too little and light for all that shenanigans. Being the extremely bad citizen, and coward, that I am I drove away without leaving a note. To be fair, I was already late in the pursuit of beating the early morning rush and there was no harm done. As compensation, I felt extremely guilty all day, and still do now, making it a little bit hard for me to concentrate on the test that I had today. I did okay on it and I know I passed the subject already anyway, so it didn’t really matter all that much.

Anyway, this series of recurring incidences, the cold, certain issues with my health and body, feeling neglected…it’s all starting to take a toll on me. To someone who can’t see what’s going on it all sounds like a lot of whining chit-chat. But everyone has their own problems, and they never think that anyone else’s is as big as they make it out to be. That is the nature of human beings. And this includes me. I will reiterate again – I hate my life.

-Amyelia

If my life was a lot less dramatic I think I would be a much happier person. For instance, I don’t need to feel like the world is about to end because I’m doing the work of six people and feel unable, nor do I need to be woken up in the morning, still tired and lacking at least another two hours sleep, to be greeted with the news that I’ve left my car keys in the ignition. Behind a locked door. I also don’t see why I should have to panic and stress about the fact that someone has taken, or stolen, my spare keys from the bunch of spare keys in my Dad’s wardrobe – which have vanished into non-existence. It should be where it is meant to be, because what business does anyone else have that they should be pocketing the keys to MY car? The only person who drives it is ME. Then there’s a whole lot of lesser, yet insistent, dramas. These include stressing out over being overweight, freaking out about my incessantly degenerating complexion, finding new and unsightly stretchmarks behind my calves, dreading all the work I have to hand in the next two weeks and…just life in general. I need to, as they say, take a chill pill. I seem so laid back about everything, but I think that those who know me well are aware of the fact that behind that cool facade I am constantly worrying and being a stresshead about everything. EVERYTHING. Even about what might happen five years into the future. I need a shrink. I need James to be here already!

-Amyelia

At the moment I’m a little aimless as I sit around waiting for James to come home. I suppose I could start working on my Lead Work Teams report, or any number of other assignments I have, but it’s cold and that alone tends to make me feel lethargic and unmotivated to do anything constructive. Although I find myself here filling this empty space with senseless ramblings. I never said I actually made any sense.

So the days are counting down and the excitement is building up. Regardless of what else is getting me through these depressing winter days and even more depressing school days, the fact remains that there is a light at the end of my tunnel and his name is James. I hold onto that thought for dear life because, honestly, it’s the only thing that really keeps me sane. Yes, it might be crazy of me, but I haven’t been in the physical presence of my significant other for four months, so I think I’m entitled to it!

I guess I could read a book. I’ve added one more to the current list I’m reading at the moment – Sojourn, which is part of the Legend of Drizzt series written by R.A Salvatore, another writer James introduced me to. I love having a boyfriend who can recommend books for me to read! I was always so disparately lost when it came to knowing what to read. It always baffled me that people used to ask me for advice on reading material. I don’t think they realised that I just went by a system of trial and error, and oh how many errors I made. Back then I don’t think I read much sci-fi/fantasy stuff. I was more into autobiographies, biographies and ethnic/cultural fiction novels. I remember reading a lot of Amy Tan. Whether or not it’s because I have a bit of Chinese in me, and thought I could relate, or because I found her writing fascinating I can no longer distinguish. I blame the aZn pRyDe friends I used to have back in highschool who started reading novels and autobiographies written by Chinese-American or Japanese-American writers because it was cool to have people from Asian descent writing best-selling novels and they felt like it would enrich their aZn-ness if they filled their minds with the experiences of other Asians. Who really knows. I don’t care to.

And to update about my belly button. I poured my sea salt solution over it while I was in the shower and it seems to have reduced the swelling quite significantly. It’s still a bit sore and tender, but everything seems to be going well. And today’s only the first day. Hopefully a few more days, or maybe a week, of the salt water treatment will heal it up in no time. I really should take care of it better, but I thought after all this time I could be a little more lax. I guess I was wrong. At least I don’t have the slightest urge or intention to pierce my tongue or girly-bits. Infection in those two areas would be more than I could handle, I imagine.  

Recently, I’ve had the thought in my head that I’m limiting myself by basically living my life like a recluse. I think that once James is here and we’re settled in our own place I need to work on getting out more. Why? I know that I’m quite an infamous anti-socialite, but I think that it’s in the best interest of my future that I try to “mingle” more. Sometimes I think about the lack of experience I’ve had, especially in work, and wonder what is to become of me. I know we should “seize the day” and not worry too much about a future that may never come, but it gets ever so much harder to do that. When I was younger I had such high aspirations for myself and now that I’m a little older I realise that time passes by a lot quicker than it did when I was a teenager and the window of opportunity gets smaller and smaller everyday. I just want to be happy, but I want to feel like I’ve achieved something in life – in my relationships, my work, my hopes and dreams. Perhaps it’s just the dreariness cast over everything by the arrival of true winter, but I can’t help but feel helpless sometimes. Sometimes you just feel like the potential everyone says you have will just stay potential and never blossom into anything more. I just want to have a more positive focus because, I’m sure and I truly hope, I think that’s what will enable me to break out of this sluggish despair I’ve let myself linger in.

-Amyelia

It’s amazing. After having had my belly button pierced for almost four years now it’s beginning to get infected again. You’d think that after all this time it would have settled down, gotten used to the intruding piece of metal invading its space, but no. It refuses to live in harmony, even with surgical steel. Today I bought a packet of sea salt, since a solution composed of it and warm water is meant to be the ideal way to flush out infection and heal infected belly button piercings. I really hope it works – I don’t relish the thought of going to a doctor so they can make me take it out and lecture me about the dangers of piercing a piece of skin that will never be able to permanently deal with foreign objects. I also don’t want to have to face the pain of re-piercing again. 

Well, that’s the news for the day.

-Amyelia